I've always had a soft spot in my heart for bad movies. When I was young, my mom and I would watch our vhs tape of Attack of the Killer Tomatoes so much that it started to wear the tape out. And it wasn't even a home video release; it was our recording from when they played it on tv, so it included partial commercials and "bumpers" from when they came out of commercial and returned to the movie. My dad couldn't stand it. He would leave the room when we put it on. Years later, he'd get accidental retribution. In the days before Tivo and DVR technology, if you wanted to watch something scheduled on tv at a later time than its original broadcast, you had to set your vcr to record the show. The Sci-Fi channel (now Syfy for pretty much inane and inexplicable reasons) ran the extended 3 + hour cut of Dune, a bad movie Holy Grail, and my mom and I captured it on tape. To my knowledge, they never ran it again. I'm not even sure it's even available at all now. And my dad used that tape to record f'n politics... Extended cut Dune was lost forever. We've forgiven him, as much as you can forgive someone for such blasphemy. Besides, we also made him suffer through nearly every Ernest movie... And my mom still flips through the tv schedule to see what kind of monster movie they're playing on Syfy every weekend. Now that I'm an adult, I still love bad movies. Maybe even more than I did back then. Back then, I was somewhat limited to my mom's taste in bad. Mostly a lot of early b-movies, like the Godzilla movies and killer ants movies and the like. But in adulthood, I discovered more of the real gems. Plan Nine From Outer Space, Manos: The hands of Fate, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, Sleepaway Camp, etc. But the one I enjoyed the most was Troll 2.
I originally heard about Troll 2 on a podcast. Before that, I had no idea it existed. After listening to the podcast, I knew I had to see it. So I added it to my Netflix queue. When I got it, I discovered that it's a dual-disc with Troll part one, and Troll 2 on the same disc. I figured surely you'd have to see part one to follow part 2, so I watched Troll first. It was pretty bad, but I enjoyed it as a bad movie. And it had the kid who played Atreyu in the Neverending Story movies, not to mention Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Sunny Bono. And honestly, it was at least somewhat enjoyable and coherent. But this wasn't the gem that everyone talked about. This was just Troll, which nobody seemed to have any strong feelings for in particular. Troll 2 still awaited. So I pressed play and was immediately transported to the world of the best worst movie ever made. A few weeks later, I bought my own copy of Troll/Troll 2.
It's hard to really describe what makes Troll 2 such a fun train wreck of a movie to watch. It really just has to be experienced. There are three types of bad movies, I reckon. The first type is bad because it's boring, insultingly simple minded, and made with zero ambition or desire to be anything more than a cash grab. All of the "_ Movie" movies fall into this category; Date Movie, Epic Movie, Superhero Movie, etc. The second type is bad because it's just not at all entertaining or interesting. I would place The Happening into this category. The third type of bad movie was made with the best of intentions that just didn't pan out, for whatever reason. Plan Nine From Outer Space, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, Coven, and of course Troll 2 fall into this category. They all have a sense of charming ineptitude, whether it's in the directing, the writing, the acting, the corners cut due to ultra low budget, overall inexperience, etc. You want to pat these movies on the head and send them to bed with a glass of water, as The Grinch did to adorable little Cindy-Lou Who. They're misguided labors of love, and you find yourself laughing both at them as well as with them, only they don't really quite get the joke.
That was a rather long-winded lead up to the point of this post, which is to discuss the movie Best Worst Movie. Best Worst Movie is a documentary about Troll 2 and the cultural impact it has had. The interesting thing about Best Worst Movie, right off the bat, is that it was directed by the child actor who starred in Troll 2. He's in on the joke. He gets that it's a terrible movie that's hopelessly lovable. He gets why it was never released to theaters, and why there hasn't been a Troll 3 yet. But nobody involved seemed to know that the movie they filmed was called Troll 2, or that it had been release on home video.
That's because the movie was originally called Goblin, and there are zero Trolls in Troll 2. It has nothing to do with Troll part one. Not even an incling of a connection to the original story. No returning characters, no returning actors... The trolls in Troll 2 are goblins, not trolls; a continuity and logic error to end all continuity and logic errors. What's better, the director of Troll 2 doesn't seem to understand that calling the movie Troll 2, while calling the creatures goblins instead of trolls, is even a problem. It's lost in translation, as the writer's and director's, and most of the filming crew's native tongue is Italian, not English. As such, the actors had a difficult time understanding the little direction they were actually given. And the directors didn't understand when the actors had trouble with a line that was mind-blowingly stilted and unnatural, such as "Elliot is not my beau! He's my boyfriend and he told me last night that he loves me and that he wanted to come on this trip with me and my family."
Best Worst Movie starts off by catching up with Dr. George Hardy, who played the father character in Troll 2. He's an instantly likable man, with a smile as wide as the ocean, and a genuine love for life and people. His acting past is long behind him, and he's settled into his role as a dentist and small town hero, but he still has a little taste for flair and showmanship left in his heart. He straps on roller blades and dresses up in costumes for the town parade every year. His character in Troll 2 is beloved for an entirely different reason. Mostly, it's because he has some of the most insanely incomprehensible lines, my favorite being "Tightening my belt one loop so that I don't feel hunger pains, and your sister and mother will have to do likewise. Okay, Joshua. You wanna get rough with me? You wanna show me that you don't like the choice of this house for our vacation by going on a hunger strike? Well, I'll accept the challenge. But just remember when I was your age, I really did suffer from hunger. We'll see who gets through this, but just remember I've got more practice than you. I'll see you tomorrow." Even taken in context, it's completely illogical. He's punishing his son for ruining dinner. You think he's reaching for his belt to beat his son with it. No. He's reaching for it to tighten it as an act of defiance against his son's behavior, which he has interpreted as a protest against a boring vacation and a challenge to see who can go the longest without eating... which he knows he'll win, since he starved as a child... and tightening his belt is the only way to circumvent the hunger pains of a hunger strike... That doesn't make a lick of sense in any language.
Next, we catch up with the other main cast members, one by one. They all seem to have pretty much the same story; they were surprised to learn that the movie was called Troll 2, and that it had been released at all, and their first viewing was full of shame and regret, and they've tried to forget about it all these years. What brings them all together again is the discovery of the new fan base the movie has received now. It's the definition of a cult classic. People had small scale viewing parties, and it spread like wildfire. Pretty soon, they were invited to take part in panel discussions and special screenings that sold out night after night in the U.S. It's all very upbeat, and it makes you proud to be a fan of Troll 2. And then you catch up with some of the lesser characters, and Best Worst Movie takes a darker turn.
It turns out, Troll 2 has had a profound impact on some of its stars. The actor who played Grandpa is now retired and lonely. And from the looks of it, he's a borderline hoarder filled with regret. But he's still as likable as he was in the movie, which makes it even more difficult to learn that he's alone and feels like he wasted his life. The actress who played the mother character has become a paranoid recluse, who may or may not hear voices. The actor who played the town shop keep is a recovering mental patient. He admits that at the time of filming Troll 2, he was an avid pot smoker, and he basically dreamed about killing the child actor because he hated him so much. Shit just got real.
Then we're introduced to the director and the writer of Troll 2. The director is either egotistical beyond belief, or in some serious denial. He really seems to believe that he created the ultimate allegory for the human spirit and the human condition with Troll 2, and that those who enjoy the film are deeply connected to the important issues explored throughout the film. The writer, his wife, believes that her tale of goblins who convert people into plants in order to consume them as an alternate to toxin and cholesterol-filled meat products, is a scathing condemnation of vegetarians, whose dietary practices she found personally insulting at the time. Even though... they eat people... which is still a carnivorous behavior, even if they're partially converted to plants... and it's never explained why people-plants are required, instead of, say, plant-plants... The director believes that the actors and fans are just simply too dumb to completely understand his vision when they laugh at lines like "Joshua is not a little shit; he's just very sensitive," or the actors relay tales of receiving incomplete scripts, and never fully understanding the concept behind the story, or being told to go upstairs when they're outside... in the woods...
All of the fame and praise the cast has received in the U.S. went completely out the window as they embarked on a misguided and ill-advised international convention appearance. There were about 6 people at the screening, instead of a sold-out crowd, and zero autograph requests. The horror convention didn't fare much better, with George wandering around taking in horror fan culture and dental habits research instead of fan love. It all ends on a somewhat uplifting note, with most of the main actors seemingly coming to understand, embrace and appreciate their status as cult movie icons, at least in select markets. It invigorated the desire to try again at an acting career for many of them, and I came out of watching the movie with the hope that those who love the movie for what it is will continue to give the key players just enough praise for them to feel proud of making a fun movie despite itself. It did leave me wanting a bit more though, as not every main cast member was interviewed, and a bit too much time was spent focusing on Dr. George. Then again, maybe more of that is covered in the special features of the dvd, assuming there are any, or perhaps in the special 20th anniversary edition of Troll 2, which I don't yet own.
I still hope to attend one of the screenings at some point, but short of that, Best Worst Movie is a great reminder of why Troll 2 is so much fun to love, and why I proudly own the anniversary set of Attack of the Killer Tomatoes on dvd, with the collector mini movie poster intact.
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