My Top 3 Creepiest Scenes from Horror Movies

  I listen to a podcast called Shitty Movie Night. It's basically a group of friends who sit around and discuss, well, shitty movies. It's a really fun podcast, and you should check it out if you're at all interested in bad movies. Anyhow... They started doing a question of the month for their listeners, and October's question is, what one scene from a movie creeps you out the most? I couldn't choose just one. I have three.

1. The Spider Walk scene from The Exorcist: The Version You've Never Seen

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-4f_NMUxcY&feature=related

There are a few different versions of The Exorcist; hence the "The Version You've Never Seen" subtitle. It was released years after the original version, and it contains deleted scenes and added footage, and an alternate ending. Oddly enough, "The Version You've Never Seen" is the only version I've seen. And my first time seeing the film was at a midnight showing in a local old movie theater called The Byrd Theater. Which is really the perfect setting for a movie like The Exorcist. Although the chairs are pretty rough... Anyway, The Exorcist really creeped me out. I had to act tough, as I was there with a group of my female friends (one of whom, my now wife, I was trying to impress) but I stayed up until around 5 am after watching it, because it creeped me out. The spider walk scene was cut from the original, allegedly because it was too terrifying for audiences. The more likely reason is because it didn't really flow with the story. But that's what made seeing it so creepy; it comes out of nowhere, lasts only a few seconds, and is completely bizarre. The upside down, sped up walk is scary enough, but it's capped off with her spitting up blood. And to see it for the first time, not expecting it, on a big screen was really unique and memorable.

2. The "blood orgy" scene from Event Horizon

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Su54aO1muOg

It's a little difficult to talk about this scene without spoiling the movie, but I'll try. In a nutshell, a reconnaissance team is sent to an abandoned ship to try to find out what happened to the first crew. Eventually they find recorded footage from the original crew's log, though it's very distorted and unclear. It sounds, at first, like the crew is saying "liberate me," or "save me." But eventually the technology wizard on board is able to restore more of the footage, and they discover that the crew was really saying, "liberate me ex inferis," or "save yourselves from hell." I saw Event Horizon in the theater when I was a teenager, and for some reason, this scene really got under my skin. I think it's the combination of the Latin words, which are creepy in and of themselves, mixed with the discombobulated gore, shot in a way that you really can't see what's going on; you just know that it's bad. Really, really bad. And then after all of the disorienting craziness, the crew member holds his eyes in his hands, like it's no big deal, and recites Latin. Creepy... 

3. The final scene in Sleepaway Camp

It's pretty much impossible to talk about this scene without spoiling the entire reason to watch the film. At any rate, this is the final shot in the film. And as you can see, it's creepy. Even without sound, or video footage, it's creepy. And it holds on this shot for over a minute, then it turns into a negative of the shot, in a green tint... and that makes it even creepier. What's even creepier? This is a mold of the actress' face, put on top of someone else's body. Because it doesn't move like a real person, it's even creepier, especially since she's making noises like a feral animal in this scene. In general, Sleepaway Camp isn't a very scary movie. In fact, it's pretty goofy. But this last shot really makes it a legit horror movie. 

Are Physical Media Stores Becoming Obsolete?

     I miss record shops; good record shops that have both new and used releases, on multiple formats. Richmond is lucky enough to still have Plan 9 Records, which is exactly that, but I can't always get out to Plan 9, even though it's only about a 25 minute drive. Parking in Richmond is also famously bad. So when I do get to go, it's a treat, and I generally spend at least $50. But my once a year pilgrimage is not often enough to keep them in business. They're still holding strong, and I'm thankful for that, but realistically... who knows. They're mostly used vinyl now, and that's just such a niche market. Same thing with movies. The cool mom and pop video stores are pretty much extinct, and even Blockbuster is hanging on for dear life. My buddy used to work at Hollywood Video, where I'd go in and talk movies with him and his co-workers, who turned me on to lots of cool titles. That store has been closed for years now, and nothing has taken its place. All of the original signs are still up, and the racks are still inside the store. But it's a barren wasteland.

      When I first came to Richmond in 1995, Circuit City had an AMAZING music section, with import albums that I'd never seen or heard of before, and all of the new releases, as well as a well stocked back catalogue for even somewhat obscure bands, for reasonable prices. And within a short time, their music section was reduced to about two rows to make room for dvd racks. And now, Circuit City is bankrupt, and only a memory. I went to Best Buy on Wednesday to see if they had the Slumberparty Massacre collection. They didn't, which wasn't a huge surprise to me really. Their horror section is one row, and one entire shelve of that row is devoted to the latest Twilight release. And Slumberparty Massacre isn't exactly a hot title to anyone other than us horror geeks. And even then, it's mostly us horror geeks old enough to have heard of it. But what really struck me was how little dvd Best Buy carries now. Blu-Ray has taken over and is muscling out standard dvd.

        That's inevitable, I suppose, but I don't intend to make the jump to Blu-Ray anytime soon, so it's disappointing to me. I prefer having options. I don't like being forced to assimilate into the latest flashy technology. Because in my opinion, while movies like Avatar are undoubtedly enhanced by Blu-Ray, do I really need to see a cartoon in high definition? Wouldn't that just be the artist coming to your house and drawing something for you? And I'm definitely not technology savvy enough to understand how movies that weren't filmed in high definition can be transferred to Blu-Ray. And frankly, I'm not sure I really want them to be. For instance, I'm a big fan of the Twilight Zone episodes. The black and white aesthetic adds to the creepy factor. And it's already obvious when watching those episodes which ones were filmed in the 60's and later, when Technicolor was the standard, and which ones were filmed before the advent of Technicolor. The later episodes just don't look natural. They look like they were made to look black and white, instead of just being black and white. So Blu-Ray, I would think, would make all of the episodes look unnatural. It's like when George Lucas decided to add crap to the original Star Wars trilogy, and re-release them as a "special edition," just because he had the resources to do so. I've kept my original VHS copies of the trilogy, because they're much, much better without all of the added bells and whistles.

       But just because stores are shutting down, dvd is being replaced with Blu-Ray, and physical cds are being replaced with MP3 downloads doesn't mean that people no longer want that "old" technology. I still, and will always, prefer a physical album over a download. And if I can't buy it at a store, I don't mind waiting to have it shipped. Today I ordered a shirt from a band called the Dollyrots. They're not well known enough to be carried in the chain stores like Best Buy, so I can't run out and buy their album. I could download it on iTunes, but I don't want to. I want to read the booklet and see the album artwork. And I'm against illegal downloads, especially when it's a young band that's trying to make it, and that deserves an audience much more than many of the popular bands. Anyway, I ordered a shirt from the band's official website. And they have a deal right now that if you order a shirt for $15, you get your choice of one of their albums along with it for free. So I get a shirt to promote the band, and I get a copy of their album, and I'm buying directly from the band, so they'll see the majority of the money from the sale. And all I have to do is wait a little while for it to be shipped.
    
       And the only reason I know about the Dollyrots is because I listen to a podcast called the Plan Nine Rock Show. It doesn't have anything to do with Plan Nine Records, oddly enough, but the host is personal friends with the band, and he plays their music pretty often. He also was the artist who was commissioned to create the Dollyrots' newest shirt design. So by buying the shirt, I'm supporting the band as well as the podcast host, because if they sell enough shirts, they'll likely ask him to design for them again. And I wouldn't have known about the Plan Nine Rock Show if it wasn't for the Rock and Roll Geek Show podcast, another of my favorites. It's admittedly a little strange that digital downloads lead to my buying physical media, I suppose. But I'd much rather spend the $20 to support two artists who deserve more recognition than to plunk down $13 "space bucks" to download it on iTunes, who couldn't care less if it's the Dollyrots that made the sale or if it's Justin Beiber.

     I've tried to abstain from eBay lately, because it's very easy for me to get lost on there, and before I know it, I've racked up $100 or more in bids and winnings. But I hopped on today, because... well, because I love eBay. Instead of driving around town to the last remaining "cool" stores that might have what I'm looking for, I can just search for it on eBay, and it'll find it for me, usually with several options. Just today I found a split 7" record that I didn't even know existed, from a band that not many people outside of the local punk scene have even heard of. And I got it for $5. With shipping. And I'm in a bid for a Halloween costume that's $55 at the store. It's currently at $17 on eBay. As much as I enjoy the seasonal hHalloween stores that spring up every year (ironically enough, in an old out-of-business Christian store...), $55 is pretty steep for a Halloween costume. To think that I could get it for less than half that price...

   Internet shopping can be a double edged sword sometimes though, as things that were reasonably priced in their heyday are now demanding top dollar. Especially records... I keep hoping to find White Zombie's Astrocreep 2000 album, or Primus' The Brown Album on vinyl for less than $100, but it's not meant to be. I have both of them on cd already, which is why it really doesn't make sense. I love those albums, and I have them already, so why am I DETERMINED to get them on vinyl? Especially when they're going for $100 each? The thrill of the hunt, to some extent. Insanity, perhaps. But also because I'm not likely to find them anywhere else. If I want them, the internet is my only legitimate resource. Unless I take a trip across the country, stopping at every remaining independent record shop I find, and get lucky enough to find a copy.

     EBay and the internet are fantastic resources for finding old things that most people don't care about anymore. But I find myself buying most of my new music on the internet as well these days. More and more, bands are taking to Facebook and Twitter to offer unique deals to their fans. Whereas a few years ago, I rushed out to Best Buy to pick up the newest Gwar album, I've bought directly from the band's website for their last albums, and I've pre-ordered their upcoming album from the website, because they offered exclusive bonuses for buying through the website. Bonuses you can't get elsewhere, like an autographed cd booklet with the last album, and an autographed lithograph for their upcoming album. You won't find that at Best Buy or through iTunes. Although Best Buy, to their credit, often has exclusive packaging and bonus discs of live songs and such.

So I guess in the end, physical store or not, the music industry and movie industry will continue to claim my money and my soul.

Concert Wishlist

   Judging from my last entry, I'm clearly running low on ideas and creativity at the moment. Therefore, I shall resort to the lowest form of journalism: lists. This list is my concert wishlist; bands that I haven't seen live, but want to before they retire, or I'm too old.

1. AC/DC. I only own two AC/DC albums, but one of them is AC/DC Live, and it really captures how fun an AC/DC show seems to be. I've also seen plenty of live clips of the band, and they've still got it. Their setlists are mostly filled with the hit songs, which is perfect for me, as I consider myself to be a pretty casual fan. I know that Bon Scott was the original singer, I know they're Australian, and I can name most of the band members. But I don't know every song, and only have two albums. Maybe seeing them live would make me an even bigger fan. And if not, I'd still love to hear Thunderstruck live.

2. Aerosmith. The window to see Aerosmith play live is shutting quickly, it seems, with Steven Tyler signed on to American Idol, and Joe Perry growing increasingly more frustrated with Tyler's lack of commitment to the band. So my desire to see Aerosmith is somewhat conditional. If the stars align, and Steven Tyler changes his mind about playing Toys In the Attic, or Rocks, or one of their good albums in their entirety, instead of crap like I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing, I'm on board. If not, well... at least there's still those good albums to listen to. And Joe Perry is still passionate about the music, so if Aerosmith calls it quits, there's still the Joe Perry Project.

3. Alice Cooper.  I've been kind of obsessing over Alice Cooper lately, having finally bought some of his classic albums recently. And he's been touring with Rob Zombie, which would be double plus good, as I'm a big White Zombie fan, and Rob's live shows are still fun (though his last solo album was pretty horrible.) Alice is the king of the theatrical concert stage show. Nearly every modern shock rock band owes their career to Alice. I'd love to see him before he calls it quits.

4. Anthrax. I'm a pretty casual Anthrax fan, so I probably wouldn't go out of my way to see just an Anthrax show, to be honest. But they're playing with Megadeth and Slayer at the moment, and that would be one hell of a show. Unfortunately, the closest they're playing is Hampton, about a 2 hour drive from Richmond, and it's a weekday show. Maybe someday I'll catch them, preferably with other good bands on the bill as well.

5. Avail. They're a local favorite, so their shows seem to sell out very quickly. Their last album was in 2002, and by all accounts, they're in an indefinite hiatus, leaning more toward definite than indefinite. Still, it'd be cool to catch a piece of legendary Richmond punk rock history in concert.

6. Bad Brains. Another casual fandom band for me, as I only have one album thus far. And their heyday is long past, admittedly, but still... it'd be cool to actually see H.R. sing as fast as he can, and to hear those classic songs, and experience real punk rock royalty.

7. Beck. I just think he'd put on a really fun show. I'd have to familiarize myself with his more recent music though, unless he plays Odelay top to bottom...

8. Blind Melon. Even without Shannon Hoon, those are some great songs. And the new singer is very capable, judging from the Youtube videos. An under-appreciated band, for sure. Which makes me think I could catch a show for a reasonable ticket price.

9. Blue Man Group. I actually have their first album, and I really like it. I think they'd be a blast to see live.

10. Blur. It seems like Blur never really got the appreciation they deserve in the U.S. I've liked their music for a long time, and I'm a little disappointed that the focus has shifted to members' side projects, such as Gorillaz. But they're still together, which means I still have a chance to hear them play songs like Country House and Charmless Man live someday. (Ok, I'd rock out to Song 2, their biggest U.S. hit, as well, I won't lie...)

11, Buckethead. Released from Guns 'n Roses before the new album even came out, which sucks. But it should mean that he has time on his hands. Time to tour. He's played Richmond in the past, but I couldn't go, unfortunately. Hope I get another chance.

12. Busta Rhymes. I'm not a huge hip hop fan, and I've never been to a hip hop show. But I am a Busta fan, and I think he'd be pretty fun to see. I have to experience a hip hop show at some point; why not Busta?

13. Cake. I've missed them a few times, and that bums me out. Everyone that I talked to that went said they were great. I believe it.

14. Cannibal Corpse. They played with Marilyn Manson and Slayer, and I went... but we got there too late to see Cannibal Corpse, unfortunately. They're another one of those "experience" bands; a band that I want to experience to see how it is. I'm a fan of the music as well, and they're a Buffalo band. Being from Syracuse originally, they hold a place in my heart.

15. Chicago. Chicago IX Greatest Hits was one of my absolute favorite albums as a kid. I know the lineup has changed ad infinitum, but hearing 25 or 6 to 4 played live would be one of the greatest moments in my life, no matter who's playing it.

16. Children of Bodom. One of my favorite "new", i.e. modern, metal bands. And yet they still don't seem to get the love they deserve. Maybe it's difficult for them to play in the U.S., but if I get a chance to see them, I'll take it.

17. Eric Clapton.  Chances are slim, as Clapton tickets are pricey and highly coveted. And the closest he seems to come to Richmond is Washington, DC. But if he plays mostly hits, and I believe that's what he does, I'd love to see it someday.

18. Courtney Love. I had a chance, and I had to pass due to lack of funds. I would prefer a proper Hole reunion, with Eric Erlandson and Melissa Auf Der Maur, and Samantha Maloney, if not Patty Schemel. But if I can't have that, I'd love to see Courtney. I think she's a great artist, and a great singer. And I love those songs.

19. Cranberries.  I love the Cranberries. Not sure if they're still playing shows, but if so, I hope to catch them sometime.

20. Dropkick Murphys. I missed them a couple of months back, but I'd love to see them play.

21. Flaming Lips. Their shows look like a blast.

22. Fleetwood Mac. A guilty pleasure, for sure, but hearing Lindsey Buckingham and Stevie Nicks play Landslide and Big Love would be life changing. But talk about pricey and coveted tickets...

23. Garbage. Shirley Manson. In person. Do I really need another reason? Fine. Butch Vig. And great songs.

24. Gojira. Another of my favorite "new" metal bands. Another one that doesn't seem to tour the U.S. much...  

25. Henry Rollins. I had tickets, but couldn't go. Ideally, it'd be to see him play music, either with some form of Black Flag, or Rollins Band. But it seems like he's moved on from music, and I'm ok with that. I have a bunch of his spoken word albums, books, and dvds, and even though our political views differ, I'd love to see his stand up show. He always has great stories.

26. Iron Maiden. They alternate between hits tours and most recent album tours. I'd need to catch a hits tour, though the most recent album is pretty good. Anyway, they're a great band that I haven't yet seen. I hope to change that, if they ever come further down than Baltimore or DC...

27. Jackyl. Chainsaws and metal? I'm in.

28. Judas Priest. Again, preferably on a greatest hits tour. But they're a legendary metal band, and they're still rocking.

29. Kittie. I've had a few chances to see them, and I've had to pass each time. I still want to though.

30. Leftover Crack. I'm not actually sure if they're still together, or playing shows if they are. But if they are, it'd be a fun show to catch.

31. Les Claypool. I was fortunate enough to see Primus this year, finally. So technically, I have seen Les Claypool live. But now I want to see him solo, with one of his many solo bands. They tend to be a little more jam band than the weird metal that Primus plays, which means more bass and experimental freedom.

32. Meat Puppets. I had a chance to see them on my birthday, years ago.But I had final exam the next day, so I couldn't. Also had a chance to see them more recently, but again, schooling got in the way. Someday the fates will align, and I will see them. I LOVED their most recent album, Sewn Together. I MUST see them.

33. Megadeth. Pretty much the same deal as Anthrax, though I'm a bigger Megadeth fan, and would see them play by themselves.

34. Melvins. Not a huge fan, but I'd like to see them. Especially if they play with Jello Biafra again.

35. Metallica. I used to be a huge Metallica fan. My fandom has wained in the last few years, admittedly, but they still play mostly their best songs. I'd rather see them with Jason Newstead, but that won't happen, and Robert Trujilo is a great player in his own right. There's still enough fanboy in me to want to see them.

36. Nada Surf. Not sure if they still tour, but if they do, I'm in.

37. Neil Young. I like Neil Young.

38. New York Dolls. Great band that still delivers. If only they'd deliver themselves to Virginia...

39. Nine Inch Nails. Another doubtful scenario, and not just because they're on indefinite hiatus from touring. Still, I'd like to hear those songs.

40. Phish. An experience for sure, as I'm admittedly not hugely familiar with their music. But their shows seem like a good time. Thousands of stinky hippies can't be wrong.

41. Pixies. They're back, and I'm stoked. Especially since they've been playing Doolittle, my favorite Pixies album. But alas, nowhere near Richmond. Yet.

42. Radiohead. They've scheduled two Virginia shows in the last 10 years or something, and they've both been rained out/cancelled. So, I'm not holding my breath. But, I'm a big fan. So I will still hold a hope.

43. Rammstein. Well, my mom has become a big fan... which is weird and disturbing. Still, Rammstein would be fun. Especially if I could somehow see them in their native Germany, with the fire show intact.

44. Rancid. I dig 'em. Would like to see them live.

45. Sepultura.  I'd really only be interested if Igor and Max return. Which I doubt will happen, but if it did, I'm on board.

46. Smashing Pumpkins. Again, only if there were a full on reunion. Which will probably never happen.

47. Sonic Youth. Great band. Never seen them.

48. Stooges. Unlike most, I really liked The Weirdness. They're a legendary band, and I must see them.

49. They Might be Giants. They did play here fairly recently, so there's a chance. It'd be a nerdy good time.

50. Violent Femmes. Not sure if they're still doing shows. They were scheduled to play here years ago, but it was inexplicably expired. Hopefully they'll do a make-up date at some point.

51. White Stripes. Meg's cute in my opinion, so that's a reason. But they also play good songs, and decide their playlist as they're playing, which keeps things unexpected and interesting. 

52. X. Another band that I'm not sure still plays shows. Exene was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis recently. But if they do, I'd love to see them.

53. Yeah Yeah Yeahs. I really liked their first ep. Lost track of them after a couple of albums, but they seem like they're a good live band. 

 

Does Nintendo Lead to Atheism?

   My original Nintendo Entertainment System, purchased circa 1989, still works over 20 years later. Conversely, my wife and I have had to send in our Xbox 360 once so far due to a red ring of death (i.e. system failure), my 1999 Ford Ranger needs about $1,000 worth of work, and just today the windshield wipers decided to stop working, my wife has had to replace her iPod twice, and we don't have a cure for the common cold.

   When a Nintendo game didn't work, you took it out, and blew into it, or at worst, used a Q-tip to swab out the dust. And it worked nearly every time. Every game I owned back then still works today. When a car part stops working, you have to take it into the shop, and pay generally large amounts of money for time consuming work. When a body part stops working, you go to the doctor, or the hospital, and it's the same situation.

   What's my point? We were given the knowledge to create a Nintendo Entertainment System that could be fixed; cured, if you will, simply by blowing into it, yet we can't figure out how to cure cancer. Why not give those responsible for creating and building the NES the knowledge to be doctors instead? Imagine blowing into an incision, and instantly curing all illness. Serious illness? Grab a cotton swab. Mario would still exist. We'd still have our 8-bit video game system, but maybe it wouldn't work quite so well. Maybe it would break down every now and then, like the modern systems are wont to do. I think that'd be a fair trade off for affordable health care.

  I'm not suggesting that the existence of the NES disproves the existence of God. But certainly it raises questions. Also, what kind of God would allow the creation of games like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? Then again, we were given games like Legend of Zelda, Super Mario Brothers 3, Mike Tyson' Punch-Out, Contra, Mega Man 2, etc. So, maybe God gave us the knowledge to create the NES so we would learn to appreciate the little things in life down the line. In a world with controllers featuring upwards of 10 different buttons, the controller featuring 4 prevails. We wanted more, more, more, and were given systems, games and accessories that aren't worth their weight in cardboard these days. The Powerglove, the Sega CD add-on, the Sega 32X add-on, the Nintendo Gamecube, the Sega Gamegear, the Super Game Boy... All failed experiments in technology, all abominations of mankind, and all sins against God. Then again, those systems/accessories didn't sell well, and eventually, we were rewarded with the Playstation 2 and Xbox 360, even though the Xbox 360 gets red rings of death, and the Playstation 2 was relatively quickly replaced by the Playstation 3... which requires even more expensive technology in order to be used to its full potential... False idols? Well, not until the next big video game systems come along...

Music Nerd Confessional #4

  Forgive me, music nerds, for I have sinned. It has been almost a month since my last confession. My confession is this: I'm not a very big Rolling Stones fan.

  Like Kiss, I appreciate their place in music history, and the fact that they've influenced many, many bands that I like. But for whatever reason, I've just never loved the Rolling Stones. Again, it could be a generational thing, in that I like the bands that were inspired by them, but not the source itself. They wrote some great songs, and I love those songs, particularly Angie and Paint It Black, but I don't own any Rolling Stones albums, and I've never felt compelled to check them out in depth.

   To me, Keith Richards is a marvel of modern science, the fact that he's still living, but not a marvel on guitar. Sure, Satisfaction is a cool riff, and one that lead to the creation of many other cool riffs from guitarists who were inspired by it. But if I don't hear Satisfaction ever again, I'll be ok with it. Conversely, I still like hearing Smells Like Teen Spirit, even though I've heard it 1,000 times now.

   There's an old theory that people are either Beatles or Rolling Stones fans, just as there are introverts and extroverts, as if preference for one band over the other indicates the personality type of a person. Maybe that's true, because I do like The Beatles far more than I like the Rolling Stones. But even then, I'm not a crazed Beatles fan. I like the music they created after Beatlemania died down, when they were experimenting musically, socially and spiritually, and, consequently, when they were growing scruffy facial hair... At the same time, I dismiss any "best album ever" list if they list The Beatles' Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band as #1. It's a classic, no doubt, but there have been far better albums released since, by both The Beatles as well as others. Which brings me back to the Rolling Stones; they're fine for what they are, but there are better bands out there, and there were better bands that existed at the same time as the Rolling Stones, who should have gotten much more attention than the Rolling Stones.

  Oddly enough, I had a Rolling Stones shirt when I was a kid. It was one of their tour shirts I think, with the lips and tongue logo in an Andy Warhol style montage. My grandparents gave it to me, which I've always thought was odd, because they were too old to be into that kind of music, and I have no idea where they got it. I wore it though, with very bad 90's swim trunks... There is photographic evidence... In retrospect, I feel bad for wearing it, having zero knowledge of its meaning. Like kids today buying Ramones shirts, or things with the Misfits' Crimson Ghost logo on them, having no idea what it all means. I had no clue who the Rolling Stones were then; I just liked the logo. I was more of a Beach Boys guy back then. Well, Beach Boys, Ritchie Valens, Miami Sound machine, Chicago (the band, not the musical), Air Supply (Lay off! I still defend my love for Air Supply.), and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cassette tape that I got from Pizza Hut...

  I don't begrudge anyone for liking the Rolling Stones. But seriously, shouldn't they have called it quits decades ago? Enjoy retirement. Use your senior citizen discount. Get Keith a new liver. Go antiquing. Play some shuffleboard. Eat pudding at 4 in the afternoon, and call it a night at 6. You've earned it. At least God finally stepped in and stopped them from fathering more illegitimate children. But seriously, it's time to hang up the lips, before the lyrics to Brown Sugar are changed to "Brown Sugar. The nurses say I shouldn't eat it anymore..."

  As penance, I shall say 10 hail Lemmy's, and keep my appreciation for Air Supply to myself.

Top 10 Non-Violent Friday the 13th Moments

   So, tomorrow is the first day of October, which means that Halloween is coming soon. It also means that I have horror movies on my mind. But since it's not quite time for blood and guts, here are my top 10 favorite non-violent moments from the Friday the 13th series.

#10. Jason burgers (From part 9, Jason Goes to Hell)

  I HATE this entry in the series, for reasons I'll maybe get into in a later post. But... hockey mask shaped hamburger meat is pretty funny, so I'll give it that much.



#9. Flaming Jason (From part 11, Freddy vs. Jason)

  This whole sequence is just awesome. As I recall, it's one of the longest fire walk stunts in film history as well. He sets a whole corn field ablaze, and kills nearly everyone in sight. Then he's extinguished by a keg of beer. Gotta love that.

#8. Jason's thoughts on hip hop (From part 8, Jason Takes Manhattan (or more accurately, a stroll through Times Square...) )

  Jason's mad, because his victims are getting away, when he comes across a group of punks listening to hip hop on their "ghetto blaster." Jason kicks it out of frustration and anger. The punks threaten him, until he shows his face. It's one of the few good scenes from an otherwise abortion of a movie, affectionately dubbed "Jason takes a boat ride and ends up in Canada's idea of New York," or more colorfully, "Jason takes a sh*t" by fans.



#7. Our gang (From part 3)

  I guess when you're from a small town, and you're trying to be a gang banger, this is what happens. The guy on the right looks like wrestler Sean Michaels, no? Anyway, instead of getting into brawls or tagging up turf, these badasses... cypher gas... and promise not to hurt anyone...




#6. The Ambiguously Gay Duo (From part 5, A New Beginning)

 

  These guys are the most random characters in the entire series. They appear pretty much just to add to the body count. They're not part of the group of teens that are actually in the storyline, and we're not introduced to them at all before their scene. They just show up, their car breaks down, and they're dispatched for no apparent reason other than because they were there. Who are they? Where are they going? We're never told. Which has lead to much speculation. Are they friends, or something more? Perhaps, judging by the leather greaser outfits, they're on their way to a gay bar, or an S&M party. It's not clear, though the one character's leather hat is decidedly very gay. And he sings a random song to himself while trying to start the car. "Rat-tat-tooie to, rat-tat-toot..."

#5. "I've never driven a house before!"  (From part 6, Jason Lives)

  So, in attempt to escape from Jason, our hero gets behind the wheel of an RV, cranks up the Alice Cooper, and rocks out while his girlfriend is fighting with Jason, who's been hiding in the bathroom. Our hero thinks she's either pleasuring herself, or going #2, so he just laughs off the sounds of muffled screaming and thrashing. What really makes this scene shine is his decidedly improvised dialogue, such as, "I've never driven a house before!" and "This is great. I'm really having such a good time." Also, he's John Travolta's nephew. Seriously. Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92sKzGKZv4Y


#4. Confused Puppy Jason (From part 8, Jason Takes Manhattan)

  Jason finally arrives in "New York" (really, somewhere in Canada) ready to hunt his victims, when something catches his eye and gives him pause:

 A billboard that looks like him. It's a pretty funny scene, and Jason's confused puppy look is priceless. It's not the first time he's done it in the series, but it's the best. Almost makes part 8 worth watching. Almost...


#3. OOh Baby, Hey Baby, Ooh Baby (From part 5, A New Beginning)

  After eating a bad enchilada, "Demon" does the shithouse shuffle to a nearbye outhouse. His girlfriend waits patiently outside, shaking the outhouse from time to time, until it gets him angry. To calm her man down, she starts singing to him. And before long, they're exchanging their love song back and forth... while Demon does his business. The lyrics to the song, in their entirety: "Ooh baby, hey baby, ooh baby, hey baby, ooh baby, ooh baby, ooh ooh baby, ooh baby, hey..."  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vK9FdN9Kvoc    What's better, Demon went on to star in the God awful Juwanna Man movie. So singing on a toilet was NOT the low point of his career.

#2. Violet's Dance (From part 5, A New Beginning)

   Part 5 is the most controversial in the series for fans, but it's also just chock full of good random moments. But there are none better than Violet's dance. It's a mix of pop and lock, mixed with robot, and it has to be seen to be believed. Apparently, the actress just went to a nightclub, and that's what the kids were doing, so she mimicked that for the movie. It's pretty epic, at any rate. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iX7144AHxcQ Good song as well, His Eyes by a pretty much forgotten 80's band called Pseudo Echo. Her mom was in A Nightmare on Elm Street 3 & 4 as well, so bonus points.

And the #1 moment.....

Crispin Glover's Kooky Dance (From part 4, The Final Chapter) 

Yes, it's blurry. You know why? Because you can't possibly capture that much awesome with a mere human mortal contraption. He flails around like a spaz on shore leave, and he STILL gets the girl. Only in the 80's... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_f0ELRcgCo  Supposedly he's really dancing to Back In Black by AC/DC, which makes a little more sense than the song used in the film. Even so... This is why Crispin Glover is epic. Well, this and Back to the Future...

I'm A Sucker For "Campy" Horror Movies

  Friday the 13th is my favorite horror movie series. They're stupid; there's no getting around that fact, but they're fun. And part of the charm is their summer camp setting. Like most kids, I went to summer camp. But I only ever went to day camp. In retrospect, perhaps Friday the 13th was the reason I didn't want to stay for sleepaway camp....

   Good thing I hadn't yet seen the Sleepaway Camp horror series back then, or I probably wouldn't have gone to day camp either. Never heard of the Sleepaway Camp movies? I don't blame you. They're definitely cult classics, and they're pretty much for hardened cheesy horror movie buffs only. I remember seeing the box covers at the video rental stores; more specifically the video rental section at Price Chopper, a grocery store in Syracuse, NY. Yeah, you used to be able to rent movies and Nintendo games at the grocery store. Anyway... The Sleepaway Camp box covers always intrigued me, but back then there was no way my parents would have let me see them. I had to get my horror movie fixes on late night tv, or friends who were allowed to watch them. But these movies didn't come on tv, and none of my friends had them, so I didn't see them until many, many years later. Gotta love eBay...

  I have a steel trap mind when it comes to useless things, like music history and obscure memories from childhood, and thus I remembered those classic box covers and titles. And when I discovered eBay, I figured why not look to see if anyone was selling a beat up vhs copy. To my surprise, they actually released all three original movies in a nice box set package.

   The box set includes Sleepaway Camp, Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers, Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland, and the production footage for the abandoned Sleepaway Camp IV: Survivor.

   Sleepaway Camp is the best of the set. Which is to say, it's the most watchable. The acting is very poor, it's very, very New Jersey, and it's very very 80's... down to the Steve Perry look-alike, short shorts, and half shirts galore.

Steve Perry

Steve Perry look-alike, in short shorts

Half-shirt

   But the plot is actually somewhat interesting. A little girl, a little boy, and their father are on their boat, when it tips over. At the same time, some teenage counselors are goofing around on their boat, and they strike the family's boat, killing the father and at least one of the children. Years later, the surviving child goes off to summer camp. And people start dying in horrific ways. A simple plot, but it turns into a murder mystery of sorts, with a few different suspects. Though, it's pretty easy to tell who is behind the killings. The real surprise lies in the ending. I won't spoil it, but it's definitely what keeps this film in the minds and hearts of genre fans. And the last shot is just really, really creepy. Also, it was dedicated to someone's mom. Seriously.

  A "doer"? That's the best tribute you can come up with for your mom? And you slap it onto a b grade horror movie? With several gay themes and senseless violence? Hope she was supportive of your art before you made this thing... 

  It's cheese; no doubt about that. The kills are unrealistic, and at times illogical, like when a boy is trapped in a toilet stall and killed by a hornet's nest... even though he could have easily crawled out under the door, or broken the door down with a bit of force. And what kind of summer camp allows rooftop water balloon fights? Seriously...

  Apart from the plot twist at the end, Sleepaway Camp is pretty standard slasher fair. No doubt it rode the coattails of Friday the 13th's popularity, and there are obvious similarities, though they are different films in many ways as well. You have a body count, the kills are unconventional, and at first nobody knows who's doing it. It follows the goatee rule too. The camp's chef, clearly the most despicable character in the movie, a child raping pedophile, is the only one with a goatee.

And he's not killed. Instead, he's badly burned over most of his body when a gigantic pot of boiling water is dumped on him. For the last time, goatee does not equal evil, ok?! Anyhow... On to part 2.

 
  Part 2 is much different from part 1. It was directed and written by different people, and it shows. The director, Michael A. Simpson, takes pride in being a cult movie director. There's nothing wrong with that, and part 1 isn't exactly Citizen Kane by comparison, but it's such a drastic drop in quality regardless. It has more humor, boobies, and Bruce Springsteen's kid sister in the lead role. But everything else is essentially the same, only done more poorly. Corpses twitch and blink, the blood is clearly ketchup and paint, and a large branch is used at least three times as a murder weapon/blunt instrument. The acting is somehow even worse, though Pamela Springsteen gives a fairly passable performance. This is the box cover that really piqued my young interest. I had yet to see any of the Nightmare On Elm Street or Friday the 13th films at the time, but like most boys my age, I still knew about them, if only in the most base of terms. So here was a cover, featuring Jason's mask AND Freddy's glove... this HAS to be an awesome movie, right?

  Not really. It's watchable, but only just barely. There's no mystery this time. The killer is established from moment one. There's no thought provoking twist either. And the plot... I'm not sure there is one. The killer from part 1 returns to a new camp, and starts killing again. The end. It's extremely derivative, to the point where they eventually don't try to hide it.

There's Freddy...

Jason...

Leatherface...

Even a drill used as a murder weapon, like in Slumberparty Massacre.



 There are far worse horror movies and slasher films out there. That's about the best compliment I can give part 2, though it seems to be the fan favorite. On to part 3.

 
  Part 3 is pretty much unwatchable. The killer is back, again, at a new camp, again. Only this time, they didn't even have the budget for a camp. They just wrote it into the script that the new camp would be completely outdoors, sleeping in tents in the woods. It incorporates one of the biggest cliches in the business; the coming together of "inner city" youths with spoiled brat rich kids. It's bad. Really bad. And that's really all I have to say about it. Part IV.

Yep, here it is. Part IV was never actually completed. They filmed some production materials and a trailer of sorts in attempt to get funding, but they couldn't pull it off. And it's for the better, judging from the production footage. It looked to be even worse than part 3, and that's saying quite a lot.

  Years later, the writer and director of part 1 released Return to Sleepaway Camp as an intended direct sequel to the original, forgetting parts 2 and 3. And let's face it, those two are pretty forgettable.

  Return to Sleepaway Camp is, frankly, more of the same. There's a twist, but it's more predictable than an episode of Jersey Shore. It does, however, return to the mystery killer motif, and there are a few suspects this time, primarily the main character, who is an incredibly annoying kid with bad hygiene and an unhealthy love of frogs. Yeah. Frogs. The kid is constantly picked on by all of the other campers, so naturally he's suspected for all of the killings. The actor who played cousin Ricky in the first film returns, and he couldn't be any more disinterested, smoking cigarettes throughout all of his scenes. It's pretty amusing. He sells his autographed pictures on eBay now and then too.

 Oh, and Steve Perry's look alike returns as well. Only now he looks more like Danny Bonaduce. Felissa Rose also reprises her famous role. And Return to Sleepaway Camp features Isaac Hayes, playing a chef... A chef who wears a red shirt... Wonder where they got that idea? It also stars Vincent Pastore, better known as Big Pussy on The Sopranos. This one's a guilty pleasure for me. It's bad, but I enjoyed it anyhow. And it's far more fun than part 3, and better made than part 2.

  All in all, if you can find part 1 and Return to Sleepaway camp, you'll have fun with them. See part 2 if you're curious, and part 3 if you just have to see them all. And if you can get the box set for a reasonable price on eBay, why not? They're also on Youtube, sans boobies and some of the gore, if you want an abridged version. But then you miss out on some of the reveal of part one, which is really the point. They're bad, but... sometimes I like bad things.