Top 10 Non-Violent Friday the 13th Moments

   So, tomorrow is the first day of October, which means that Halloween is coming soon. It also means that I have horror movies on my mind. But since it's not quite time for blood and guts, here are my top 10 favorite non-violent moments from the Friday the 13th series.

#10. Jason burgers (From part 9, Jason Goes to Hell)

  I HATE this entry in the series, for reasons I'll maybe get into in a later post. But... hockey mask shaped hamburger meat is pretty funny, so I'll give it that much.



#9. Flaming Jason (From part 11, Freddy vs. Jason)

  This whole sequence is just awesome. As I recall, it's one of the longest fire walk stunts in film history as well. He sets a whole corn field ablaze, and kills nearly everyone in sight. Then he's extinguished by a keg of beer. Gotta love that.

#8. Jason's thoughts on hip hop (From part 8, Jason Takes Manhattan (or more accurately, a stroll through Times Square...) )

  Jason's mad, because his victims are getting away, when he comes across a group of punks listening to hip hop on their "ghetto blaster." Jason kicks it out of frustration and anger. The punks threaten him, until he shows his face. It's one of the few good scenes from an otherwise abortion of a movie, affectionately dubbed "Jason takes a boat ride and ends up in Canada's idea of New York," or more colorfully, "Jason takes a sh*t" by fans.



#7. Our gang (From part 3)

  I guess when you're from a small town, and you're trying to be a gang banger, this is what happens. The guy on the right looks like wrestler Sean Michaels, no? Anyway, instead of getting into brawls or tagging up turf, these badasses... cypher gas... and promise not to hurt anyone...




#6. The Ambiguously Gay Duo (From part 5, A New Beginning)

 

  These guys are the most random characters in the entire series. They appear pretty much just to add to the body count. They're not part of the group of teens that are actually in the storyline, and we're not introduced to them at all before their scene. They just show up, their car breaks down, and they're dispatched for no apparent reason other than because they were there. Who are they? Where are they going? We're never told. Which has lead to much speculation. Are they friends, or something more? Perhaps, judging by the leather greaser outfits, they're on their way to a gay bar, or an S&M party. It's not clear, though the one character's leather hat is decidedly very gay. And he sings a random song to himself while trying to start the car. "Rat-tat-tooie to, rat-tat-toot..."

#5. "I've never driven a house before!"  (From part 6, Jason Lives)

  So, in attempt to escape from Jason, our hero gets behind the wheel of an RV, cranks up the Alice Cooper, and rocks out while his girlfriend is fighting with Jason, who's been hiding in the bathroom. Our hero thinks she's either pleasuring herself, or going #2, so he just laughs off the sounds of muffled screaming and thrashing. What really makes this scene shine is his decidedly improvised dialogue, such as, "I've never driven a house before!" and "This is great. I'm really having such a good time." Also, he's John Travolta's nephew. Seriously. Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92sKzGKZv4Y


#4. Confused Puppy Jason (From part 8, Jason Takes Manhattan)

  Jason finally arrives in "New York" (really, somewhere in Canada) ready to hunt his victims, when something catches his eye and gives him pause:

 A billboard that looks like him. It's a pretty funny scene, and Jason's confused puppy look is priceless. It's not the first time he's done it in the series, but it's the best. Almost makes part 8 worth watching. Almost...


#3. OOh Baby, Hey Baby, Ooh Baby (From part 5, A New Beginning)

  After eating a bad enchilada, "Demon" does the shithouse shuffle to a nearbye outhouse. His girlfriend waits patiently outside, shaking the outhouse from time to time, until it gets him angry. To calm her man down, she starts singing to him. And before long, they're exchanging their love song back and forth... while Demon does his business. The lyrics to the song, in their entirety: "Ooh baby, hey baby, ooh baby, hey baby, ooh baby, ooh baby, ooh ooh baby, ooh baby, hey..."  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vK9FdN9Kvoc    What's better, Demon went on to star in the God awful Juwanna Man movie. So singing on a toilet was NOT the low point of his career.

#2. Violet's Dance (From part 5, A New Beginning)

   Part 5 is the most controversial in the series for fans, but it's also just chock full of good random moments. But there are none better than Violet's dance. It's a mix of pop and lock, mixed with robot, and it has to be seen to be believed. Apparently, the actress just went to a nightclub, and that's what the kids were doing, so she mimicked that for the movie. It's pretty epic, at any rate. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iX7144AHxcQ Good song as well, His Eyes by a pretty much forgotten 80's band called Pseudo Echo. Her mom was in A Nightmare on Elm Street 3 & 4 as well, so bonus points.

And the #1 moment.....

Crispin Glover's Kooky Dance (From part 4, The Final Chapter) 

Yes, it's blurry. You know why? Because you can't possibly capture that much awesome with a mere human mortal contraption. He flails around like a spaz on shore leave, and he STILL gets the girl. Only in the 80's... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_f0ELRcgCo  Supposedly he's really dancing to Back In Black by AC/DC, which makes a little more sense than the song used in the film. Even so... This is why Crispin Glover is epic. Well, this and Back to the Future...

I'm A Sucker For "Campy" Horror Movies

  Friday the 13th is my favorite horror movie series. They're stupid; there's no getting around that fact, but they're fun. And part of the charm is their summer camp setting. Like most kids, I went to summer camp. But I only ever went to day camp. In retrospect, perhaps Friday the 13th was the reason I didn't want to stay for sleepaway camp....

   Good thing I hadn't yet seen the Sleepaway Camp horror series back then, or I probably wouldn't have gone to day camp either. Never heard of the Sleepaway Camp movies? I don't blame you. They're definitely cult classics, and they're pretty much for hardened cheesy horror movie buffs only. I remember seeing the box covers at the video rental stores; more specifically the video rental section at Price Chopper, a grocery store in Syracuse, NY. Yeah, you used to be able to rent movies and Nintendo games at the grocery store. Anyway... The Sleepaway Camp box covers always intrigued me, but back then there was no way my parents would have let me see them. I had to get my horror movie fixes on late night tv, or friends who were allowed to watch them. But these movies didn't come on tv, and none of my friends had them, so I didn't see them until many, many years later. Gotta love eBay...

  I have a steel trap mind when it comes to useless things, like music history and obscure memories from childhood, and thus I remembered those classic box covers and titles. And when I discovered eBay, I figured why not look to see if anyone was selling a beat up vhs copy. To my surprise, they actually released all three original movies in a nice box set package.

   The box set includes Sleepaway Camp, Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers, Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland, and the production footage for the abandoned Sleepaway Camp IV: Survivor.

   Sleepaway Camp is the best of the set. Which is to say, it's the most watchable. The acting is very poor, it's very, very New Jersey, and it's very very 80's... down to the Steve Perry look-alike, short shorts, and half shirts galore.

Steve Perry

Steve Perry look-alike, in short shorts

Half-shirt

   But the plot is actually somewhat interesting. A little girl, a little boy, and their father are on their boat, when it tips over. At the same time, some teenage counselors are goofing around on their boat, and they strike the family's boat, killing the father and at least one of the children. Years later, the surviving child goes off to summer camp. And people start dying in horrific ways. A simple plot, but it turns into a murder mystery of sorts, with a few different suspects. Though, it's pretty easy to tell who is behind the killings. The real surprise lies in the ending. I won't spoil it, but it's definitely what keeps this film in the minds and hearts of genre fans. And the last shot is just really, really creepy. Also, it was dedicated to someone's mom. Seriously.

  A "doer"? That's the best tribute you can come up with for your mom? And you slap it onto a b grade horror movie? With several gay themes and senseless violence? Hope she was supportive of your art before you made this thing... 

  It's cheese; no doubt about that. The kills are unrealistic, and at times illogical, like when a boy is trapped in a toilet stall and killed by a hornet's nest... even though he could have easily crawled out under the door, or broken the door down with a bit of force. And what kind of summer camp allows rooftop water balloon fights? Seriously...

  Apart from the plot twist at the end, Sleepaway Camp is pretty standard slasher fair. No doubt it rode the coattails of Friday the 13th's popularity, and there are obvious similarities, though they are different films in many ways as well. You have a body count, the kills are unconventional, and at first nobody knows who's doing it. It follows the goatee rule too. The camp's chef, clearly the most despicable character in the movie, a child raping pedophile, is the only one with a goatee.

And he's not killed. Instead, he's badly burned over most of his body when a gigantic pot of boiling water is dumped on him. For the last time, goatee does not equal evil, ok?! Anyhow... On to part 2.

 
  Part 2 is much different from part 1. It was directed and written by different people, and it shows. The director, Michael A. Simpson, takes pride in being a cult movie director. There's nothing wrong with that, and part 1 isn't exactly Citizen Kane by comparison, but it's such a drastic drop in quality regardless. It has more humor, boobies, and Bruce Springsteen's kid sister in the lead role. But everything else is essentially the same, only done more poorly. Corpses twitch and blink, the blood is clearly ketchup and paint, and a large branch is used at least three times as a murder weapon/blunt instrument. The acting is somehow even worse, though Pamela Springsteen gives a fairly passable performance. This is the box cover that really piqued my young interest. I had yet to see any of the Nightmare On Elm Street or Friday the 13th films at the time, but like most boys my age, I still knew about them, if only in the most base of terms. So here was a cover, featuring Jason's mask AND Freddy's glove... this HAS to be an awesome movie, right?

  Not really. It's watchable, but only just barely. There's no mystery this time. The killer is established from moment one. There's no thought provoking twist either. And the plot... I'm not sure there is one. The killer from part 1 returns to a new camp, and starts killing again. The end. It's extremely derivative, to the point where they eventually don't try to hide it.

There's Freddy...

Jason...

Leatherface...

Even a drill used as a murder weapon, like in Slumberparty Massacre.



 There are far worse horror movies and slasher films out there. That's about the best compliment I can give part 2, though it seems to be the fan favorite. On to part 3.

 
  Part 3 is pretty much unwatchable. The killer is back, again, at a new camp, again. Only this time, they didn't even have the budget for a camp. They just wrote it into the script that the new camp would be completely outdoors, sleeping in tents in the woods. It incorporates one of the biggest cliches in the business; the coming together of "inner city" youths with spoiled brat rich kids. It's bad. Really bad. And that's really all I have to say about it. Part IV.

Yep, here it is. Part IV was never actually completed. They filmed some production materials and a trailer of sorts in attempt to get funding, but they couldn't pull it off. And it's for the better, judging from the production footage. It looked to be even worse than part 3, and that's saying quite a lot.

  Years later, the writer and director of part 1 released Return to Sleepaway Camp as an intended direct sequel to the original, forgetting parts 2 and 3. And let's face it, those two are pretty forgettable.

  Return to Sleepaway Camp is, frankly, more of the same. There's a twist, but it's more predictable than an episode of Jersey Shore. It does, however, return to the mystery killer motif, and there are a few suspects this time, primarily the main character, who is an incredibly annoying kid with bad hygiene and an unhealthy love of frogs. Yeah. Frogs. The kid is constantly picked on by all of the other campers, so naturally he's suspected for all of the killings. The actor who played cousin Ricky in the first film returns, and he couldn't be any more disinterested, smoking cigarettes throughout all of his scenes. It's pretty amusing. He sells his autographed pictures on eBay now and then too.

 Oh, and Steve Perry's look alike returns as well. Only now he looks more like Danny Bonaduce. Felissa Rose also reprises her famous role. And Return to Sleepaway Camp features Isaac Hayes, playing a chef... A chef who wears a red shirt... Wonder where they got that idea? It also stars Vincent Pastore, better known as Big Pussy on The Sopranos. This one's a guilty pleasure for me. It's bad, but I enjoyed it anyhow. And it's far more fun than part 3, and better made than part 2.

  All in all, if you can find part 1 and Return to Sleepaway camp, you'll have fun with them. See part 2 if you're curious, and part 3 if you just have to see them all. And if you can get the box set for a reasonable price on eBay, why not? They're also on Youtube, sans boobies and some of the gore, if you want an abridged version. But then you miss out on some of the reveal of part one, which is really the point. They're bad, but... sometimes I like bad things.

  

 

...And the Nominees Are...

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame nominees were announced sometime around noon today. From what I can tell, 15 bands/artists are nominated, and 5 of them are choosen for induction in December. Without further ado, here are the nominees:

1. Alice Cooper. Yep, they're finally giving Alice Cooper some recognition. Long overdue, but better late than never. I can't help but feel like he could be the Susan Lucci of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame though. Overlooked for years and years before getting a pity nod. And of course, this is only a nomination; we'll see if he's inducted or not.

2. Bon Jovi. The state of New Jersey rejoices. As for the rest of us... I mean, have they really done anything decent since Slippery When Wet? I guess I'm ok with it ultimately. Richie Sambora is a great guitar player; I'll say that much. But in terms of influential 80's bands that were eligible this year, there are many that are far more deserving than Bon Jovi.

3. Tom Waits. This one came as a surprise to me. I dig Tom Waits, in small doses. He does have one of the most unique voices in modern music, and a lot of bands list him as an influence. I'm cool with his nomination, but I fear this could be the "look at us; aren't we so very hip" nomination this year.

4. Neil Diamond. Hmm... He's been eligible since 1991, so I suppose if he's going to be recognized, now's the time... maybe? Chalk this one up as the "completely out of left field" nomination. Is he rock and roll? Boy, I just don't know... He's got a great voice, and I like a few of his songs quite a bit, but this one's leaving me puzzled. Sorry Neil.

5. Donovan. Another surprise for me, though only because I figured he'd remain overlooked for longer. I can't argue with this one. He deserves at least a nomination.

6. J Geils Band. Love Stinks, Centerfold, Freeze Frame... They're one of those bands that I don't recognize by name, even though I know the songs. They've been nominated before, so obviously somebody really wants them to be included. I'm ok with it.

7. LL Cool J. No big surprise here. There seems to be an unwritten law that at least one hip hop/rap artist must be included in the nominations. I have a problem with this nomination. All due respect to LL Cool J, I think he's a talented artist, but he's just simply not a rock and roll musician.

8. Beastie Boys. Sigh... The ironic thing is, the Beastie Boys began as a hardcore punk band, heavily influenced by Bad Brains. But Beastie Boys failed as a punk band, so they turned to rap. Rap worked for them, so they've stuck with it. At least they have their roots in rock and roll, and they still incorporate punk and rock and roll into their style. But this, to me, is a perfect example of "If you're considering X band, why not Y band?" Certainly Bad Brains should be recognized before Beastie Boys.

9. Dr. John. I'm not terribly familiar with his work, to be honest... Ah, he did Right Place, Wrong Time. A good song, no doubt. But apparently it was his one hit. He'll probably pull at the New Orleans apologists' heart strings enough to get in.

10. Donna Summer. Hot Stuff, She Works Hard for the Money... Yeah, she's disco. Disco sucks, and doesn't belong in the rock and roll hall of fame. Next.

11. Chic. More disco. Sure, Sugarhill Gang sampled the bassline from one of their songs on Rapper's Delight... but that's a rap song. This is the rock and roll hall of fame. Next.

12. Laura Nyro. Eh, I've heard Wedding Bell Blues, but I really don't know anything about her.

13. Darlene Love. Not familiar with her either. iTunes seems to pull up her Christmas album above all else. Apparently she's a soul singer? K. Shrug. Next.

14. Chuck Willis. Eh, ok. A 50's r&b singer. Must have fallen through the cracks when the others were nominated and inducted years ago. CC Rider is a cool song.

15. Joe Tex. Another soul singer. One of his songs is on the Grindhouse soundtrack (Quentin Tarantino & Eli Roth's movie/movies) so it's not completely out of left field.

So, who will be inducted? Most likely: LL Cool J, Bon Jovi, Chuck Willis, Neil Diamond, Dr. John.

Possibly: Donna Summer, J Geils Band, Chic, Laura Nyro, Joe Tex

Long Shot: Alice Cooper, Donovan, Beastie Boys, Darlene Love, Tom Waits



Who should be? Alice Cooper, Donovan, Megadeth, Kiss, Joan Jett. Of course, Joan Jett, Kiss and Megadeth weren't nominated. So... Alice Cooper, Donovan, Tom Waits, J Geils Band, and... eh, Neil Diamond?

We'll see what happens in December.
       

Rock and Roll Hall of Lame

  So much for posting everyday... Anyhow, on with this entry. So, the nominations for the 2011 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees will be announced tomorrow. As I am a devoted rock geek, it is my duty to pontificate over who may be inducted, who should be inducted, who will likely never be inducted, and who shouldn't have been inducted.

  The qualifications for nomination are pretty simple; the band or artist must have released their first album at least 25 years ago to be considered. That means any artist that released an album prior to, or in 1985 (and is not already inducted, of course) is technically eligible. The nominees are voted upon by a group of "industry insiders," much like The Academy Awards. And like any award voting and ceremony, there have been controversial omissions (snubs, if you will) and inclusions in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

   One of the big issues among fans is, what exactly qualifies as rock and roll? The easier question is, what isn't rock and roll. Most fans would say rap/hip hop isn't rock and roll. Disco certainly isn't rock and roll, as they were sworn enemies back in the 70's. Dance music is decidedly not rock and roll. And yet, Run DMC, a rap group, were inducted in 2009. ABBA, a dance and disco band, were inducted in 2010. The Bee Gees, kings of disco, were inducted in 1997. Madonna, queen of pop and dance music who now uses a guitar as a prop to try to increase her rock credibility, was inducted in 1998. In the eyes of many rock fans, these bands don't belong in the ROCK and ROLL hall of fame. Another hall of fame, certainly; but not rock and roll. Run DMC are/were a great rap group. But their only rock and roll connection is a duet with Aerosmith, which was nothing more that a reworked version of the classic Aerosmith song Walk This Way. ABBA were hugely popular...among disco fans. Short short wearing, roller skating, soulless music loving disco fans. Same with the Bee Gees. And Madonna may be the Material Girl, but she's not rock and roll.

   But the bigger issue among fans is, how can you induct "X" band, and not "Y" band? Some of the most controversial snubs include: Kiss, Alice Cooper, New York Dolls, and Rush. Kiss and Rush were eligible back in 1999. New York Dolls were eligible in 1998. Alice Cooper was eligible back in 1994. 1994! None of them have been inducted. Yet Run DMC and Madonna were both inducted the first year they were eligible. The criteria behind who gets in and who doesn't is about as legitimate as an exclusive night club's admission system. If you're pretty, i.e. if you'll make the club look good, you're in. Kiss, Alice Cooper, and the New York Dolls are all decidedly not pretty bands. They were all controversial bands in their heyday. But that's what made them great. And talk about influential... If it's really a measure of importance within the rock and roll musical genre, they all measure up. Kiss inspired hundreds of musicians across many genres of music. Alice Cooper invented theatrical rock shows. The New York Dolls lead to the creation of punk rock and glam rock. If it's about musicianship, certainly Neil Peart alone should have earned Rush a nod. But Rush has Neal Peart, one of the best drummers ever to live, AND Geddy Lee, one of the best bass players to ever live, AND Alex Lifeson, a fantastic guitarist. Madonna dressed like a whore and writhed around in a wedding dress. Then she promoted lipstick lesbianism by kissing Brittany Spears and Christina Aguilera as a publicity stunt.

  As for my own list of snubs, How about Les Paul? He only INVENTED the quintessential rock and roll guitar. Oh, and double tracking. And he played rock music well into his nineties. But no, I guess he's not good enough. How about Leadbelly? BB King, Bo Diddley, Marvin Gaye, Muddy Waters, John Lee Hooker, Miles Davis... All inducted, but no love for Leadbelly? Maybe he's too obscure. Well, how about Thin Lizzy? They inspired countless bands, and The Boys Are Back In Town is heard in nearly every sports arena that exists. Black Flag? Eligible since 2006, depending on what constitutes an "album" by the voting standards. They pushed the boundaries of punk rock by infusing free form jazz and metal. They wrote the book on do-it-yourself mentality, and their touring work ethic is legendary and unmatched. How about Blue Oyster Cult? The kings of cowbell. Without them, everyone would still fear the reaper, and umlauts would be under utilized.

   In my eyes, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is a sham until The Misfits are inducted. Maybe that's fanboyism though. In they heyday, they weren't very well known. They didn't become widely recognized until Metallica covered their songs, and renewed interest in the Misfits. Still, they invented horrorpunk. And the Crimson Ghost logo is everywhere now. They've earned respect among many artists, and they've inspired many bands these days. I would also include Minor Threat. Their often impromptu shows and do-it-yourself practices set the model by which all bands should follow. But, they were a regional favorite I suppose. Maybe too obscure in the great schemata. How about Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Slayer, Anthrax, Megadeth, Pantera... Heavy metal is sorely under-represented in the H.O.F. Metallica, Van Halen, Black Sabbath and AC/DC are the only ones that have been inducted thus far. To be fair, many of the classic metal bands are either just now eligible, or have only been eligible in the past few years, with most of them releasing their first albums in the early 80's. Even so, if you recognize Run DMC for their duet with Aerosmith, you can't ignore Anthrax. They did a duet with Public Enemy that was equally uniting.

  Buzzcocks, Bauhaus, Bad Brains, Pogues, Chicago, the Cramps, Dead Kennedys, Devo, Donovan, The Knack, Meat Puppets, Sonic Youth, X, Ministry, Starz, The Cure, Exodus, Daniel Johnston... Certainly some of those bands should be in. And that's just the bands that I pulled from my iTunes list. There are countless other bands that deserve recognition.

  So, who will be inducted? I don't know... With so many big names eligible this year, it will be hard to pinpoint who will be nominated, much less inducted. Undoubtedly, there will be some who really deserve it. The voting committee will likely try to correct some of their snubs, as they did last year by finally inducting The Stooges. maybe this will be the year Alice Cooper et al are finally recognized. Or at least one of them. They'll also likely try to seem hip and cool, and that means LL Cool J could get in based on his acting career and deodorant commercial. They'll pull some from left field, so who knows... A Flock of Seagulls could end up with a nomination, for having rock and roll... hair. And without fail, nerds like me will take to their blogs tomorrow night to rant and rave until next year.

So look forward to that. 

   

Proper Uses For A Time Machine

  I don't understand the intricacies of time travel. And seeing as how it's 2010 and we still don't have hover boards, holodecks, transporter rooms, food replicators, or even self-lacing shoes, I'm not holding my breath that time machines will be realized in my life time. But, it's still fun to think about. Especially in the context of being a music geek. Do you go back in time and prevent Nickleback from ever getting together? Step in and try to mediate between David Lee Roth and the rest of Van halen to try to avoid the Gary Cherone era? Take a bullet for John Lennon, or Dimebag Darrell? Try to keep Kurt Cobain or Layne Staley from ever discovering heroin?

Well, if you believe in the butterfly effect, doing any of those things could really mess things up down the line. As much as I'd love to hear what Kurt would write today, there's no promise that he wouldn't still take his own life. And 95% of Alice In Chains' songs were about the horrors of addiction, so maybe a clean and sober Layne wouldn't have yielded the same great songs. (The new singer was great live as well.) Even if you stopped Nickleback, someone would have come along in their place. And it could have been a grey hair effect; pull one, and three more pop up. If David Lee Roth and Van Halen stayed together, you'd miss out on some great Sammy Hagar era music. John Lennon and Dimebag Darrell's deaths were senseless and tragic. But maybe if they hadn't been killed, their killers would have hurt even more people.

So, if I had a time machine, I'd go to concerts. I'd go to a lot of concerts. In terms of butterfly effect, what's one more concert goer, as long as I pay attention to what went on at the time, stayed as inconspicuous as possible, and brought year appropriate money? I would be tempted to sneak in a modern video camera though... That could be a problem. But there are just so many iconic concerts, so many moments that never happened again, that pale in comparrison when watched on video, when I could have been there in person. On top of that, there's the age issue. I was born well after some of the best concerts took place. I was one year old when Danzig left the Misfits. Woodstock was 13 years before I was born. I was 12 years old when Woodstock 94 happened. I missed a lot. Woodstock is fine on video for me. All those smelly hippies... Woodstock 94 would have been pretty awesome. I love a lot of the bands that played there. But again, smelly hippies. I would definitely go to as many Misfits shows as I could, even though many of them were trainwrecks, with equipment failing, Doyle's guitar constantly going out of tune, or drummers being too drunk to play. And the early Gwar shows would have been fun. Especially since I could go to a show at P.B. Kelly's, then come back to modern time, and eat at Havana 59... which is the same place. I could see shows at clubs that are now parking lots. I could see bands before they got big, when they were playing to crowds of 3 people. Harder to blend in I suppose, but still...

Or, I could just re-live shows that I actually did attend. I'd just have to avoid running into myself. Shouldn't be that hard, as I remember pretty much where I stood or sat for every show. And I've been to some great shows that I'd love to re-live. Primus, Danzig, Tool, Marilyn Manson, Rob Zombie, Slayer... I had a blast at the many Misfits shows that I've gone to as well. But I went to many of those shows with good friends of mine. They wouldn't have been as much fun if I had been alone.

So I suppose the answer is, watch the stuff I missed on video when it exists and I can find it, re-live the shows that I did see through my memories (and maybe a bootleg or two...), and make new amazing moments by going to as many shows as I can now. I suppose I can save the time travel for Star Trek esque diplomacy for now.

I still want my food replicator though.   

What's In A Name?

    Admittedly, I've lost a bit of interest in heavy metal throughout the years. My musical interests turned more toward punk rock, with occasional dabbling in other genres along the way. But I'm starting to get back into metal, with newer bands like Gojira piquing my interest in the genre once again. Although, Gojira is a perfect example of one of my difficulties in discovering modern metal; the band names. Is it pronounced Go-gee-rah? Gah-jih-rah? Go-he-rah? Go-j-eye-rah? At least the logo is legible. While I don't know how to say the band's name, at least I can spell and read it. That's more than I can say for this band:

    Supposedly, the word "Goratory" can be found somewhere within this logo. I get that this is commonplace for the death metal genre these days, but... the classic death metal bands had logos that were easy to read, and they were no less "brutal." There's no mistaking these bands for Hungarian folk music, or Lithuanian love songs.

 Cannibal Corpse

Mortification

Death

Napalm Death

   So, why the illegible logos? Isn't it hard to advertise and promote your band when potential fans can't read your name? Maybe genre fans just go out and pick up anything that looks like a death metal band. I find that hard to believe. In every genre, there are good bands, and there are bad bands. Fans dig through the muck to find the gold. But i don't mean to pick on the death metal genre. I actually like death metal, although admittedly I prefer the aforementioned classic bands over most newer bands.

   Illegible logos and difficult to say names aside, I find that the names of metal bands are getting out of hand. Slayer, Anthrax, Megadeth, Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Morbid Angel, Disturbed... Those are metal names. Simple and to the point, and they sound heavy. You wouldn't mistake a band named Cradle of Filth for a boy band, or hippie jam band. But how about A Bird A Sparrow? Or A Cursive Memory? What exactly does Be Your Own pet sound like? All modern bands, all goofy names.

    But at least they're complete names. There's a band called Academy Is. Academy is what? Even if you add a noun or an adjective, or even a verb to the end of that, it's still an incomplete thought. Academy Is Voting, Academy Is Hard, Academy Is Rock. Not complete thoughts; not good band names. How about the band ...And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead? That one's incomplete and obnoxiously long, not to mention hard to remember. To their credit, they eventually shortened it to Trail of Dead. They should have just called themselves Trail of Dead to begin with though. But, at least their name is comprised of actual words. How about the band !!!  ?  Yes, there's a band called !!!. Supposedly, it's Chk Chk Chk, phonetically. It's stupid, reasonably. You can't search for !!! in Google. And Chk Chk Chk isn't a name either. It's a noise. Why not call the band Pbbblt? At least that's kind of funny, as it's shorthand for a "raspberry," or sticking out one's tongue and blowing. 

    A band's name should be short, easy to remember, and easy to say. Fans should be able to chant the band's name at concerts. And they shouldn't feel stupid doing so. "Gwar! Gwar! Gwar! Gwar!," or "Panic! At the Disco! Panic! At the Disco!" One of these things is not like the other. They dropped the exclamation point after panic, but still... How about song names? "Play Freebird!" Or "Play There's a Good Reason These Tables Are Numbered, Honey, You Just Haven't Thought of It Yet!" Yeah...

I don't know. Maybe I'm being too critical of things I don't completely understand. It's just hard for me to get excited about a band with a silly name. Then again, Beatles...   

Let There Be (Unedited) Gwar!

    There are few things that are genuinely cool about living in Richmond Virginia. It's the home of controversial Civil War monuments, controversial African American tennis player sculptures, failed minor league sports teams, horrible drivers, and limited parking. But it's also the home of Legend brewery, Plan Nine Records, and most importantly, Gwar.

    Gwar started as a joke. It was the combination of members of a Richmond punk rock band called Death Piggy, and the abandoned art/movie project of a VCU art student. Death Piggy decided to form a joke opening band called Gwarrrrrgh, using costumes created by Hunter Jackson for his art/movie project, which was to be called Scumdogs of the Universe. Over time, Gwarrrrgh gained a larger following that Death Piggy, so the focus was shifted to Gwarrrrgh, which was shortened to Gwar. Gwar was, and still is, best known for their live shows, which back then featured Styrofoam glaciers and paper mache weapons and battles. Eventually they added fake blood pumped through hoses, which soaked the audience in a harmless water based mixture, and paper mache limbs and characters that were "slaughtered" on stage.

   Needless to say, Gwar was always a controversial band, from their jokey potty mouthed lyrics, to their revealing stage costumes, to the violence depicted in their live shows, vulgar and suggestive song titles, and their artwork. But one of their biggest controversies was over the song BDF on one of their best selling albums, This Toilet Earth. BDF, short for baby dick fuck, was included on the original copies of the album. The song was later banned for being too vulgar, and it was removed from all subsequent pressings of the album. The cover images on the original and censored version of the album are identical.

    You have to look at the back of the album to know which version you have. But the back covers are virtually identical as well.

  Unedited back cover

Edited back cover

    You really have to have an eagle eye to spot the difference. The difference is, the unedited version has track 9, B.D.F. listed. The edited version removed the track name and number. And apparently they were in such a rush that they didn't bother to re-number the tracks, so the edited version jumps from track 8 to track 10, with no track 9 listed.

    In all honesty, I can see why they removed the song. Even taken in the obvious tongue in cheek context that is Gwar, it's still a song about raping babies, which takes the joke too far. Then again... it's Gwar. There's a famous "Tipper Sticker," the name affectionately given to the parental advisory stickers resulting from Tipper Gore and the PRMC's campaign against the lyrical content of songs, right on the front cover of the album. The album is called This Toilet Earth, a nod to and parody of the famous b horror movie This Island Earth. Anyone remotely familiar with Gwar gets their sense of humor, and knows what to expect from a Gwar album. And anyone unfamiliar... Well, just look at the costumes on the cover. The title has the word toilet in it. And there's the parental advisory sticker. Also, the title of the offending song is abbreviated. And it's sandwiched between songs titled Penis I See, Bad Bad Men, Slap U Around, and Filthy Flow. Clearly this stuff isn't for grandma, and Gwar doesn't write wholesome family friendly sing alongs.

    In the long run, I'm not bothered by the missing song. It's kind of a throw away song anyhow, compared to the rest of the album, and the rest of Gwar's musical output. What bothers me is the extent to which the censorship went as a result of the removal of the song, because it didn't end with simply taking the song off of the album, and rearranging the tracklist. The cd artwork was changed.

 

Unedited version

Edited version

    There's nothing remotely offensive about the unedited version. It's just cartoon caricatures of the band members. But the track list is around the border of the album, so maybe it was too time consuming and difficult to edit that image and re-release it. And the unedited version was released in partnership with Priority Records, and maybe they couldn't get the financial backing for an edited version with the same artwork. I can overlook that. And at least the track list is corrected on the edited version's cd artwork. But the edits to the cd booklet are another story.

    The unedited version includes bios for all of the band members, lyrics for all of the songs on the album, and artwork from the band members and those involved in the behind the scenes aspects of the band. The edited version completely removed sections, and even entire pages from the booklet, effectively erasing the bios of two of the band members, and much of the artwork.I understand some of the edits that had to be made, such as the edits to page 8 of the booklet. That page included lyrics to the B.D.F. song, so obviously those had to be removed, as the song was no longer on the album. And admittedly, the accompanying cartoon is vulgar and in bad taste. It depicts the lead singer licking the head of a baby being pushed out of the birth canal by its mother.

Unedited page 8

Edited page 8

This edit was done well. The lyrics were removed, the offensive artwork was removed, but the non offensive artwork remained, the lyrics to Fight are still there, and the bio for Beefcake the Mighty is intact. The edits were arguably justified, and they were handled in a fair way. But some of the other edits make no sense to me at all. For example:

Page 1 unedited

Page 1 edited

   The edits to page 1. They just removed the entire page completely. And I really don't see what was so offensive about the unedited version. Flattus Maximus' bio was no more offensive than any of the others. Saddam A Go Go was the hit song on this album. It even earned the band a Grammy Award nomination. So why remove the lyrics to the song that was helping to sell the album? Maybe Penis I See is offensive, but not enough to get it pulled from the album, so why censor the lyrics? The cartoon penis, arguably is offensive, but it's clearly a joke, and not even obviously a penis. Even so, why not just remove that image instead of the entire page? And the last cartoon at the bottom is nothing more than the lead singer peaking around the corner at a fictitious meeting at Stonehenge between Hitler, Saddam, Mussolini, Gwar character Skulhedface, and what looks to be a ninja. I don't see what's offensive about that. maybe Skulheadface was mistaken for the Pope, but even if that's the case, where's the offense?

   And these edits boggle my mind as well. Page 10:

    Page 10 unedited

Page 10 edited

    Again, the entire page was removed. And I don't really see what's offensive here either. You have a cartoon depiction of the guitar player punching a woman. Ok, maybe that's in the woman abuse realm, and that's certainly not cool, but at the same time, it's not graphic, or vulgar, or at all realistically depicted. It's a cartoon hitting another cartoon. That concept has been around as long as cartoons have existed. You have the bio for Sleazy P. Martini, the band's "manager." Again, no more offensive than any of the other bios that made it into the edited version. You have the lyrics to Slap U Around and Krak Town, neither of which were banned from the album. And you have a cartoon depiction of some one's brain exploding in a mushroom cloud from smoking on a pipe. Not exactly an endorsement for drug use, but I suppose that's what some people took it to be, even though the song Krak Down is clearly an anti-drug song... 

But perhaps the dumbest censoring on the booklet is to the artwork on pages 5 and 6.

     Page 5-6 unedited

Page 5-6 edited

    Again, it's a cartoon. Lighten up. Not only that, but the black censored bars only draw attention to the very things they're trying to cover up. Kids are smart enough to figure out what's behind the censored bars. And if the Tipper Sticker is of any use whatsoever, kids that are too young to be able to handle the uncensored version wouldn't have gotten their hands on the album to begin with. But what's really funny is, they missed one. Sexicutioner's penis is uncensored. He's the cartoon character on the far right, raising his glass in a toast. I guess it was so small that they overlooked it. They also overlooked the naked woman in the background on the right side of the drawing. And I guess the breast shaped tree was ok, and it's ok for Slymenstra to defile a corpse, but heaven forbid they depict some cartoon penises...

    It's the aged old sex vs. violence argument. Show all the violence you like, but don't you dare depict sexuality. It's a double standard that really doesn't make any sense. Everyone in the world gets naked at least once a day, when changing their clothes. And hopefully at least once a week when they bathe. But not everyone commits a violent act. Yet when it comes to censorship, nudity is usually far worse than violence. That seems to be the mentality behind the edits to the booklet as well. Cartoon penises are a big no-no, but these are just fine:

Page 2, edited and unedited version 

Page 4, edited and unedited version

   To summarize, sword down throat, axe to head, head blown off from machine gun blast, corpse defilement, cities on fire, impalement, piles of bodies, and the terrorizing of aliens = ok. A couple of cartoon penises, a mind blown from drug use, mild cartoon violence against a woman, and a fictitious meeting of infamous criminals = not ok. Clearly tongue in cheek, social commentary through absurdity and humor Gwar songs about bestiality, pre-school aged prostitutes, missing children, and the senseless killing of many, many people = ok. A song about baby rape, not ok. Unless the song is called Baby Raper. That one was apparently ok.

  Singling out one Gwar song for having offensive lyrics is like singling out a steak for being too delicious. You know what you're getting. They're no surprise. A steak is a steak. They all have certain unwavering characteristics. Some are better than others, but the basic content is always the same. It's cow meat. Same thing with Gwar songs. They're all offensive and dirty and immature. Some are better than others. They're made for a select audience, who has grown to appreciate and understand the humor behind it all. Those who go to Gwar shows, or buy Gwar music know exactly what they're getting, just as those who choose to buy and eat meat know what they're getting. A vegetarian doesn't need a sticker on a slab of meat to know to stay away. They just know it's not for them. It should be the same thing with a Gwar album. Either it's for you, or it's not.

   Musically, This Toilet Earth is a good album. It marks the beginning of Gwar's transition from a goofy punk band to a more experimental and unique sounding band, with punk and metal elements at the forefront. Their humor is still very much present, but it hasn't yet plummeted to the potty humor filled depths of We Kill Everything, or lead singer Dave Brockie's side project, the Dave Brockie Experience. I would rank This Toilet Earth it among Gwar's top 3 best albums, under America Must Be Destroyed (my personal favorite) and Violence has Arrived (their most mature album to date).

  If I had to recommend one Gwar album to check out, it would be America Must Be Destroyed. But their under appreciated gem, in my opinion, is Carnival of Chaos. It's their most musically diverse album, and it's a good mix of "serious" Gwar and "jokey" Gwar. many fans dislike that album though, because it is a departure from their heavier and faster albums. The one to avoid is We Kill Everything. Even the band admits that album was a mistake. Their most recent albums have taken a decidedly more serious turn, and they're somewhat hit and miss. War Party, Violence Has Arrived, and Lust In Space are all very solid albums from the "serious" age of Gwar. Beyond Hell was a bit of a misstep. The band's debut album, Hell-o is pretty rough around the edges, and very much representative of the band's punk rock roots. It's good for completeists mostly, but casual fans may want to avoid it. Ragnarok is somewhat hard to find for some reason, but it's a fan favorite. Personally, I could take it or leave it. Some of the songs are very dated. 

    The band also has an ep for their song The Road Behind off of the America Must Be Destroyed album, a "live" album called Live from Mt Fugi, a limited edition fan club single on 7" vinyl called Stripper Christmas Summer Weekend, and three albums that you're likely never to see outside of bit torrent downloads; Let There Be Gwar, which is a collection of early recordings from the band, You're All Worthless And Weak, a very limited edition fan club release of a live show, and Slaves Going Steady, a collection of songs written by the Gwar "slaves," members of the band who don't normally play instruments on stage. These are the behind the scenes guys that help run the live show, depict the "victims" or bring the band their props during the show.The unedited version of This Toilet Earth, as well as a few of the rare albums do show up on eBay from time to time, but they usually go for top dollar from the ravenous Gwar fans.

   But I still believe the real way to appreciate and experience Gwar is through their live shows. Once you know what to expect, and what you're getting yourself into, they're a blast. Literally... They're a fun mix of rock show, professional wrestling antics, low-budget horror movie goofiness, and somewhat organized chaos. I would suggest watching one of their many live home videos first to get a feel for what goes on. And if you're still into it, wear clothes that are old and not near and dear to your heart. The Gwar blood doesn't usually stain, but you will be covered in it by the end of the night, especially if you see them in a smaller sized club.

Gwar is currently on tour in the U.S. through the end of December, and their new album, tentatively titled Bloody Pit of Horror, is set for release on November 9.         

Facial Hair Is Not Evil. Razor Prices Are!

As a Mangorilla, I take a great interest in issues regarding hair grooming. I currently have shoulder length hair, medium length sideburns, and a goatee. I've been growing legitimate facial hair (i.e. greater than patchy peach fuzz) since I was around 13. I grew a full on Abraham Lincoln beard in high school, just for fun.

Such is the plight of a Mangorilla. We're hairy creatures. We are also a misunderstood and oppressed minority. Case in point:

The depiction of facial hair, specifically goatees, in entertainment. As the above diagram indicates, goatee = evil; clean shaven = good. See also:

 

Evil Shatner.

Evil Bender.

Evil Cartman.

What is it about a goatee that people find to be evil? The only evil goatee I've ever seen belongs to Kerry f'n King.

...and that's because he's Kerry f'n King! Whenever you say his name, you have to include the f'n, as if it were his real middle name. If he lived during the Victorian age, he would be introduced as Lord Kerry F'n King of Slayer.

But I digress. I suppose people equate facial hair, and the goatee in particular, with the devil, as he's often depicted with a goatee, or at least pointy facial hair of some sort. And people equate goats with evil, which I've never really understood. Goats produce milk. But so do cows and women. So ability to produce milk doesn't seem to be evil. Maybe it's the horn thing. That makes more sense. Other things with horns:

 

 Trucks.

Vuvuzela playing South Africa soccer fans.

Both decidedly very evil. But people don't have physical horns. So I guess it really does boil down to the  hair pattern. A triangular patch of hair surrounding lips. Wouldn't that also make all vag... Nevermind. I'll try to keep this thing clean.

This topic could easily fall under the "who cares" category, except that I can't think of one good guy that has a goatee. Out of all of the comic book heroes and science fiction characters, not a one of them has a goatee; unless they're a villain, or an alternate dimensional evil doppelganger. Which makes shopping for a Halloween costume difficult. If I really want to look like my costume's origin, I have to shave my goatee. Which I don't like doing, as I look much more evil without one than I do with one. It really doesn't make sense that all superheroes are clean shaven either. If they're so busy fighting crime, when do they find time to shave? And if they're anything like me, they're buying disposable razors at least once a week. Doesn't leave much money left for grappling hooks and shark repellent.

I could go as Kerry King for Halloween, but then I'd have to shave my head, and get extensions for my goatee. And there can be only one Kerry f'n King.

Instead, I want to embrace my hair, and celebrate my follically fortuitous friends. Which leaves... Well, Chewbacca, basically. But if I want to do Chewie justice, I have to spend close to $500. That's the price of the movie quality adult Chewie costume.

 http://www.buycostumes.com/Star-Wars-Chewbacca-Collectors-Edition-Adult-Costume/18760/ProductDetail.aspx

Or, settle for the cheaper but much lower quality "Chewie as a couch" costume.

http://www.buycostumes.com/Star-Wars-Chewbacca-Adult-Costume/27395/ProductDetail.aspx

Or, I suppose I could try to make one of my own. Or, I could find an easier costume, and just go as the evil twin/alternate universe version. Like evil Han Solo. There'd be no question if he shot first or not.