Choosey Mangorillas Choose Jiff

My birthday is in February, which is also coincidentally black history month. I am not of African American descent, but I always make it a point to celebrate Black History Month regardless. And not just to acknowledge the struggles that the African American community faced throughout history, or to celebrate amazing people such as Harriet Tubman and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., but  also to give mad props to the man who created the best flavor known to mankind. I'm speaking, of course, of George Washington Carver, inventor of modern day peanut butter.

But just like my African American brethren, I too have felt the oppressive hands of society. For you see, I prefer crunchy peanut butter over creamy. We are a proud few, the lover's of nutty peanut butter. Our beloved nut byproduct shoved to the bottom row of the peanut butter section in supermarkets. Unavailable in bulk quantities in wholesale clubs. Seldom used in cookies. Sure, you can find paint can sized creamy peanut butter in the wholesale clubs, but crunchy is ominously missing. I ask you why? Why, after decades of evolution and revolution, must our peanut loving voices be silenced? No more.

Judge not a man by the contents of his sandwich, but rather by his ability to make a friggin' awesome one, with delicious gobs of peanut butter, perhaps a bit of jelly, on a fresh hoagie roll.

It's very presence, in creamy or nutty form, has been banned from our educational facilities, simply because some people are intolerant. They call it an allergy. I call it the virus of hatred. I say we march upon the elementary schools; storm the middle schools; demand entry into the high schools with our jars held high, shouting, "Mmmrrr mrrr MUMPH mrr mrrrrr!" And then we'll sip proudly from our cartons of milk, and try again, now that the peanut butter has been released from the roofs of our mouths; "We will NOT be denied!"

When bullies rubbed bubble gum in our hair, who did we turn to? Peanut butter! When chocolate was lonely, who was its friend? Peanut butter! When Crunch Berries just weren't enough, who made it happen with the Cap'n? Peanut butter! Is it jelly time? No! It's PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!

I had a dream. That one day, I would again snack upon a Peanut Butter Snickers, or a PB Max bar, or Peanut Butter Oompas, or a Peanut Butter No Jelly bar, or a Reece's Crunchy Peanut Butter Cup, or a Reece's Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup, or a Reece's Peanut Butter Cookie Cup... Like a great show on the Fox network, all gone before they even had a chance to flourish beyond a cult following.

And for what reason? Because not everyone likes peanut butter? Because us PB lovers are a minority? Because they didn't sell? Ney. According to Wikipedia, the PB Max was discontinued because the Mars family hated peanut butter. Despite $50 million in sales, they couldn't see past their unfounded prejudice for the luscious legume. And rumor has it, Uno's Pizzaria is discontinuing their peanut butter cup dessert. Peanuts won't be found in the front of a plane, or even the back. They've been replaced with pretzels. PRETZELS!

Forbidden from public transit, forced out of schools, removed from restaurants... No more. We shall overcome. PB&J shall have its day! Say it loud! I eat peanut butter and I'm proud!