Facial Hair Is Not Evil. Razor Prices Are!

As a Mangorilla, I take a great interest in issues regarding hair grooming. I currently have shoulder length hair, medium length sideburns, and a goatee. I've been growing legitimate facial hair (i.e. greater than patchy peach fuzz) since I was around 13. I grew a full on Abraham Lincoln beard in high school, just for fun.

Such is the plight of a Mangorilla. We're hairy creatures. We are also a misunderstood and oppressed minority. Case in point:

The depiction of facial hair, specifically goatees, in entertainment. As the above diagram indicates, goatee = evil; clean shaven = good. See also:

 

Evil Shatner.

Evil Bender.

Evil Cartman.

What is it about a goatee that people find to be evil? The only evil goatee I've ever seen belongs to Kerry f'n King.

...and that's because he's Kerry f'n King! Whenever you say his name, you have to include the f'n, as if it were his real middle name. If he lived during the Victorian age, he would be introduced as Lord Kerry F'n King of Slayer.

But I digress. I suppose people equate facial hair, and the goatee in particular, with the devil, as he's often depicted with a goatee, or at least pointy facial hair of some sort. And people equate goats with evil, which I've never really understood. Goats produce milk. But so do cows and women. So ability to produce milk doesn't seem to be evil. Maybe it's the horn thing. That makes more sense. Other things with horns:

 

 Trucks.

Vuvuzela playing South Africa soccer fans.

Both decidedly very evil. But people don't have physical horns. So I guess it really does boil down to the  hair pattern. A triangular patch of hair surrounding lips. Wouldn't that also make all vag... Nevermind. I'll try to keep this thing clean.

This topic could easily fall under the "who cares" category, except that I can't think of one good guy that has a goatee. Out of all of the comic book heroes and science fiction characters, not a one of them has a goatee; unless they're a villain, or an alternate dimensional evil doppelganger. Which makes shopping for a Halloween costume difficult. If I really want to look like my costume's origin, I have to shave my goatee. Which I don't like doing, as I look much more evil without one than I do with one. It really doesn't make sense that all superheroes are clean shaven either. If they're so busy fighting crime, when do they find time to shave? And if they're anything like me, they're buying disposable razors at least once a week. Doesn't leave much money left for grappling hooks and shark repellent.

I could go as Kerry King for Halloween, but then I'd have to shave my head, and get extensions for my goatee. And there can be only one Kerry f'n King.

Instead, I want to embrace my hair, and celebrate my follically fortuitous friends. Which leaves... Well, Chewbacca, basically. But if I want to do Chewie justice, I have to spend close to $500. That's the price of the movie quality adult Chewie costume.

 http://www.buycostumes.com/Star-Wars-Chewbacca-Collectors-Edition-Adult-Costume/18760/ProductDetail.aspx

Or, settle for the cheaper but much lower quality "Chewie as a couch" costume.

http://www.buycostumes.com/Star-Wars-Chewbacca-Adult-Costume/27395/ProductDetail.aspx

Or, I suppose I could try to make one of my own. Or, I could find an easier costume, and just go as the evil twin/alternate universe version. Like evil Han Solo. There'd be no question if he shot first or not.